Donald Trump’s advisers are reportedly expressing relief ahead of Trump’s second debate with Hillary Clinton, following the timely emergence of a recording in which Trump boasts that his star power enables him to grab women “by the pussy” unchallenged.
There are even suspicions that Trump’s election strategists leaked the tape themselves in a bid to distract the world from the things that Trump is likely to say during the second presidential debate on Sunday night.
Insiders claim that there has been growing alarm at Trump’s preparatory notes, which are written in the candidate’s trademark gold crayon.
“He uses almost no full-stops and a LOT of epithets,” one unnamed adviser lamented. “And there are no, like, spaces between the words, and he doesn’t seem to understand how capital letters work.
“But most of the pages are just drawings,” the adviser added. “He specialises in fighter jets shooting giant women in the tits.”
While the first presidential debate was widely judged to have gone in Clinton’s favour, Trump was able to recover from this by urging his base to watch a nonexistent sex tape featuring an immigrant whom he had previously derided for being overweight.
Trump’s camp is confident that the groping tape – which also features a member of the Bush family because, it is believed, that’s just what Republicans are like – will be sufficiently distracting that only minimal attention will be paid to the many rambling asides and non-sequiturs that Trump is planning to make on Sunday.
The BBC has come under pressure to explain why it called one of its most popular daytime quiz shows “Eggheads” after it emerged that one of its leading Eggheads is an absolute moron.
CJ de Mooi, a mainstay of the show until his sacking earlier this year, was arrested on Thursday for the murder of an unidentified mugger in Amsterdam 30 years ago, following an inadvisable confession to the crime in his 2015 autobiography.
While de Mooi boasts a solid record of correctly answering general knowledge questions on the show, it is unclear how he was able to achieve this feat while at the same time failing to anticipate the consequences of publicly describing an occasion on which he murdered somebody.
Senior BBC executives will conduct an internal investigation to establish how a man so obviously lacking in brainpower was able to secure a job on the Eggheads team. The production team will also review its question-setting policies, to ensure that people of de Mooi’s mental limitations cannot slip through the net in future.
Meanwhile, all quiz results in which de Mooi participated will be declared void and competitors will receive prize money retroactively, in recognition of the fact that none of them would be so mindbogglingly stupid as to reveal the time and whereabouts of an unsolved murder committed by themselves, along with a detailed description of the victim.
Former Labour Party leadership candidate Owen Smith has revealed plans to visit the Beatles Story museum in Liverpool later today, after finding himself at a loose end.
He will set out for the museum around mid-afternoon, by which time he is confident that his sobs will have subsided. There are suggestions that he may buy an Abbey Road coaster from the gift shop, with cost expected to be the deciding factor.
After visiting the museum, sources claim he is likely to take the Magical Mystery Tour, a lavishly decorated coach that visits a number of sites in south Liverpool connected with The Beatles, such as Penny Lane, Strawberry Fields, and a bus stop.
He has indicated that he will be happy to take photos of American tourists standing next to the Penny Lane sign, though it is unclear at this stage whether he understands that he will not be expected to appear in the pictures.
At around 5PM, while his rival Jeremy Corbyn is giving interviews and setting out his vision for the future of the Labour Party, Smith will eat a quick supper of fish and chips while leaning on a lamppost outside Lime Street station.
After that, Smith plans, if there’s time, to visit Mendips, the semi-detached Menlove Avenue home in which John Lennon grew up, though sources claim he is reluctant to travel by taxi to the attraction for fear of being recognised and asked intrusive questions.
His team tactfully indicated that they didn’t think this would be a problem.
An Australian family involved in a high profile legal battle to avoid deportation have “won” the right to remain in the Scottish Highlands, with wellwishers around the world hailing their “successful” appeal.
Their “victory” comes at the end of a protracted dispute with the UK government after the foreign office unexpectedly cancelled its post-study work visa programme – the initiative which encouraged the family to seek a “better” life in the UK in the first place.
Gregg and Kathryn Brain are reportedly thrilled that they will not face deportation to the balmy tropical paradise of Australia, and will instead have the “privilege” of remaining in the Scottish Highlands, a remote and culturally isolated region which “enjoys” the highest annual rainfall in the UK.
Despite their obvious joy at the “positive” outcome of their appeal, it remains unclear what lies behind the Brains’ determination to “live” in the Scottish Highlands, with many speculating that toxic debt, scandal, or arrest awaits them in their native Australia.
Following their “win”, the Brains are looking forward to discovering more of Scotland’s many “delicacies”, which include deep-fried “pizza”, sausage “meat” squares, and Buckfast.
Following the news that Mary Berry will leave Bake Off after this season, co-host Paul Hollywood has insisted that he will fight for custody of the show’s notorious flashing squirrel mascot and its furry little penis
Hollywood, who has co-presented Bake Off with Mary Berry since the show’s inception in 2010 and will remain as judge after its controversial move to Channel 4, is said to be shocked and saddened by Berry’s professional integrity.
But he is determined to keep the show alive, sources say, and considers it imperative that he retains full access to the famous squirrel and its trademark genitals.
“At the end of the day,” said Hollywood, “Bake Off is bigger than Mel and Sue, and it’s bigger than Mary too. It might even be bigger than baking. But what it’s not bigger than is that squirrel’s cock and balls.”
Earlier this year there was an outcry after Bake Off bosses replaced the well-endowed squirrel with a pheasant – a misstep which many speculate led in part to the fatal rift between the BBC and production company Love West.
The genitals of a pheasant are located on its underside and obscured by feathers.
The Pentagon is celebrating a complete cessation of Russian cyberattacks following the Russian government’s decision to block access to Pornhub and YouPorn.
It is thought that hackers in Moscow are now devoting their full attention to getting around the firewall, leaving the Pentagon’s servers relatively unmolested for the time being.
Internet users in Russia have reacted with scorn to the ban, while the Federal Service for Supervision of Communications, Information Technology and Mass Media has invoked further criticism by encouraging frustrated pornography fans to “meet someone in real life.”
An unnamed source argued, “Meeting someone in real life is literally the last thing I want to do while I am secretly masturbating.
“It would be extremely embarrassing,” he added.
World leaders have unanimously condemned the Russian government’s act of censorship, with the Chinese ambassador in Russia calling the move a “serious breach of human rights” and “a violation of man’s dignity.”
Meanwhile a party official in Pyongyang, North Korea, described the move as “inhumane,” before sending an 18-year-old man to a labour camp for asking a friend what Facebook is.
Pentagon officials will press the Russian government through all diplomatic channels to uphold the ban, hoping to condemn the country’s cyberwarriors to a permanent quest for porn.
The number of applications for asylum in the UK has fallen sharply following the news that Bake Off will relocate from the BBC to Channel 4 next year.
The shock move, which saw hosts Mel and Sue resign in protest, is thought to have made life in Britain unthinkable for refugees escaping conflict and severe economic hardship in North Africa and the Middle East.
In a development welcomed by the border force stationed in Dover, attempts to cross the channel by clinging for life to a lorry axle have all but ended, with those refugees who continue to make the journey claiming to prefer the Great British Menu anyway.
On the other side of the Channel the border force’s counterparts in Calais have reported a massive increase in the number of attempted crossings into France, the vast majority of them by middle class Britons unable to envision a future in their homeland.
Meanwhile the besieged residents of Aleppo in east Syria have issued a statement expressing their condolences to the British people, and commending Mel and Sue for their heroic sacrifice.
UKIP’s newly appointed leader Diane James has drawn criticism after citing Vladimir Putin as one of her three political heroes instead of Adolf Hitler.
“I realised my mistake as soon as I said it,” James later revealed. “It was one of those brain fade moments, like when Natalie Bennett was on the radio and couldn’t explain how the Green Party was going to build free houses for unemployed European sex criminals.”
“I mean, don’t get me wrong,” she added. “Putin is a stand-up guy and I love what he’s done with the Crimean Peninsula. But UKIP is a party with the highest possible aspirations, which is why I’m simply mortified that I didn’t say Hitler.”
While forgetting to cite Hitler as a political hero is a serious breach of UKIP party protocol, James is likely to survive the scandal owing to her inexperience in the role and the lack any other viable candidates. Her closest rival, the racist cage fighter Steven Woolfe, was eliminated from the running after he failed to get his application in on time.
Diane James inherited the UKIP leadership from Nigel Farage, who announced his resignation in July after successfully campaigning for the UK to leave the EU. Farage will now co-present a daytime magazine show called Kaffee und Lebensraum with Katie Hopkins.
Mary Berry is to be axed from The Great British Bake Off after this season following the show’s surprise move to Channel 4.
It is thought that she will be replaced by model and actress Kelly Brook, while Will.I.Am will take the place of Paul Hollywood. In a widely welcomed move, Mel and Sue will be replaced with just Mel.
The show’s production company Love Productions announced this week that it had failed to extract a sufficiently exorbitant amount of money from the embattled BBC, and would be moving next year.
Bake Off is likely to relocate from its current Wednesday evening slot to Saturday prime time, while the low budget setting of a marquee in the grounds of a country estate will be dropped in favour of a studio with IMAX sound system, seating for five thousand, and a bulletproof solid chrome judging chamber.
Although baking will still form a proportion of the show’s content, the signature bake segment will be jettisoned in favour of a 15 minute infomercial for private health insurance.
The technical challenge, meanwhile, will be dropped to make way for a competitive powerballad medley, after which one contestant will be eliminated by public vote unless they agree to remove their clothes and eat a live tarantula.
The eighth season of Bake Off will air in August 2017.
International trade secretary Liam Fox, whose counterparts in the Leave campaign frequently accused Remain campaigners of “talking Britain down”, has been talking Britain down.
Addressing business leaders at a recent Conservative event in parliament, Fox has argued that they are all are too “fat and lazy” to succeed outside the EU, and would rather “play golf on a Friday afternoon” than rescue his political career.
The recently appointed minister is a staunch Eurosceptic who campaigned for Brexit, but now concedes that UK businesses are simply not capable of thriving in the hostile trading environment that he campaigned passionately to place them within.
“What the country needs is a vibrant, ambitious business sector that sees exporting not as an opportunity but as a duty,” insisted Fox, before clarifying, “to keep me in my job I mean.”
Following a lacklustre performance by Brexit minister David Davis in parliament on Monday, Fox’s remarks are likely to fuel concerns among Leave voters that Brexit will fail to materialise, condemning the UK to further decades of comfortable prosperity within the EU.