Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has made a desperate public plea for copies of Razzle, after losing access to the internet.
Speaking from the balcony of the Ecuadorean embassy in London, Assange called on the public to send him copies of Razzle, Fiesta, and Readers’ Wives to help him survive his toughest test since taking refuge in the embassy four years ago.
Assange’s internet access was removed after he was caught interfering with the US election by leaking information designed to damage the credibility of democratic candidate Hillary Clinton.
“I bitterly reject becoming involved in this attempt to undermine American democracy,” a tearful Assange bellowed from this balcony.
“In fact, I renounce literally everything I’ve ever done that might have contributed to my being cut off from the internet. It wasn’t worth it.”
Onlookers describe a pale, gaunt Assange who seemed on the verge of losing hope. Friends of the Australian fugitive have joined his pleas for issues of Razzle, claiming it may be his last hope of survival.
“Mr Assange has been a very naughty boy,” a consular spokesman said, “and as a result we have restricted his internet access until after the US election.
“But we’re not monsters,” the spokesman added. “We have arranged to provide Mr Assange with a man size box of Kleenex, and will send all his meals to his room and hang a Do Not Disturb sign on his door on the day that his internet access is restored.”
Donald Trump’s advisers are reportedly expressing relief ahead of Trump’s second debate with Hillary Clinton, following the timely emergence of a recording in which Trump boasts that his star power enables him to grab women “by the pussy” unchallenged.
There are even suspicions that Trump’s election strategists leaked the tape themselves in a bid to distract the world from the things that Trump is likely to say during the second presidential debate on Sunday night.
Insiders claim that there has been growing alarm at Trump’s preparatory notes, which are written in the candidate’s trademark gold crayon.
“He uses almost no full-stops and a LOT of epithets,” one unnamed adviser lamented. “And there are no, like, spaces between the words, and he doesn’t seem to understand how capital letters work.
“But most of the pages are just drawings,” the adviser added. “He specialises in fighter jets shooting giant women in the tits.”
While the first presidential debate was widely judged to have gone in Clinton’s favour, Trump was able to recover from this by urging his base to watch a nonexistent sex tape featuring an immigrant whom he had previously derided for being overweight.
Trump’s camp is confident that the groping tape – which also features a member of the Bush family because, it is believed, that’s just what Republicans are like – will be sufficiently distracting that only minimal attention will be paid to the many rambling asides and non-sequiturs that Trump is planning to make on Sunday.
UKIP’s newly appointed leader Diane James has drawn criticism after citing Vladimir Putin as one of her three political heroes instead of Adolf Hitler.
“I realised my mistake as soon as I said it,” James later revealed. “It was one of those brain fade moments, like when Natalie Bennett was on the radio and couldn’t explain how the Green Party was going to build free houses for unemployed European sex criminals.”
“I mean, don’t get me wrong,” she added. “Putin is a stand-up guy and I love what he’s done with the Crimean Peninsula. But UKIP is a party with the highest possible aspirations, which is why I’m simply mortified that I didn’t say Hitler.”
While forgetting to cite Hitler as a political hero is a serious breach of UKIP party protocol, James is likely to survive the scandal owing to her inexperience in the role and the lack any other viable candidates. Her closest rival, the racist cage fighter Steven Woolfe, was eliminated from the running after he failed to get his application in on time.
Diane James inherited the UKIP leadership from Nigel Farage, who announced his resignation in July after successfully campaigning for the UK to leave the EU. Farage will now co-present a daytime magazine show called Kaffee und Lebensraum with Katie Hopkins.
The government has fended off criticism of its proposed lifting of the ban on new grammar schools by unveiling ambitious plans to create quantum children.
Grammar schools have drawn criticism in the past for creating a two-tier education system in which children who fail to secure a place at the age of 11 are forced to remain working class thereafter.
But Prime Minister Theresa May has insisted that there will be no return to the ‘binary choice of the past’, claiming instead that a new generation of quantum children will be able to both attend and not attend grammar school simultaneously.
According to one Downing Street source, the government has already consulted theoretical physicists at leading UK universities about the possibility of exploiting little-understood quantum-mechanical phenomena to allow more than one child to occupy a school place at the same time.
“If the government is to achieve its stated goal of widening access for poorer children while simultaneously achieving its unstated goal of ensuring that well-off children enjoy unlimited advantages, it must turn to cutting edge quantum mechanics,” the source said.
“And if that doesn’t work, we can always just reinstate the old eleven-plus and say we tried.”
A number of senior Conservatives have condemned Labour MP Keith Vaz following the revelation that he engaged the services of two male sex workers at his north London flat, arguing that his conduct is in clear breach of Conservative intellectual property rights.
Mr Vaz, whose home affairs select committee has been carrying out an inquiry into prostitution, was caught in a sting by the Sunday Mirror. The same paper revealed that he had asked one of the men to bring poppers – a substance which his own committee has recommended be criminalised.
“This is a wretched transgression,” said one Downing Street source. “It has absolutely every embarrassing vice – hypocrisy, sexual infidelity, drug abuse, prostitution – upon which the Conservative party has built its extra-curricular reputation over the last hundred years or more.”
While no formal copyright arrangements exist for the term ‘political sex scandal’, the private behaviour associated with it has long been the preserve of tory MPs, with a gentleman’s agreement ensuring that politicians of other parties have largely confined themselves to expenses fraud, speeding, and alcoholism.
But in recent years an ailing Labour party has resorted to violating this unspoken agreement. Last year former Labour minister John Sewel angered Conservatives by snorting coke from a prostitute’s breasts while wearing a bra, and this latest breach by Keith Vaz has inflamed tensions further.
The Conservative party is seeking legal advice.