Man ruptures colon after 3-hour search for toilet reading material

toiletA 42-year- old man has ruptured his colon following a three-hour search for something to read on the toilet.

Barry Turtle of Dorking, Surrey, suffered a massive internal hemorrhage last Tuesday as he attempted to locate his book of hilarious golf jokes while simultaneously suppressing a bowel movement. It is estimated that he had been putting off the toilet visit for as long as five days prior to the movement, hoping that the book would just show up.

Paramedics gained access to Mr Turtle’s property shortly after being alerted by concerned neighbours at around 5pm, and discovered the man lying unconscious in his kitchen with his legs crossed and a prominent reddy-brown stain on his gusset area.

He was taken to Dorking Community Hospital, where surgeons extracted around 4 kilograms of compacted faeces from his abdominal cavity and stitched up the tattered remnants of his bowel. Doctors are hopeful that Mr Turtle will make a full recovery.

Glorious afterlife

“Oh it was awful,” said next door neighbour Flora Threlfall. “At about lunchtime I heard him swearing through the wall, banging about, smashing things, stomping up and down the stairs.

“I knocked for him at about half three to make sure he was okay, and when he opened the door he was pale and sweating and standing very oddly, like a ballet dancer. He was looking right past me with this distant, glazed look in his eyes, as though he could see his ancestors bathed in light and calling out to him from the glorious afterlife.”

Relatives who examined the property after Mr Turtle fell unconscious report finding hundreds of books on the floor, as well as upturned and damaged items of furniture strewn throughout the house. In a sign of Mr Turtle’s eventual desperation, relatives even found bloody scratch marks in the carpet and walls where he had resorted to digging for the book with his nails.

The book – Golf’s Funniest Jokes, by Jim Chumley – was eventually found in the cupboard under the bathroom sink next to the cotton buds where it always goes.

Julian Assange makes plea for copies of Razzle following internet shutdown

assangeWikileaks founder Julian Assange has made a desperate public plea for copies of Razzle, after losing access to the internet.

Speaking from the balcony of the Ecuadorean embassy in London, Assange called on the public to send him copies of Razzle, Fiesta, and Readers’ Wives to help him survive his toughest test since taking refuge in the embassy four years ago.

Assange’s internet access was removed after he was caught interfering with the US election by leaking information designed to damage the credibility of democratic candidate Hillary Clinton.

“I bitterly reject becoming involved in this attempt to undermine American democracy,” a tearful Assange bellowed from this balcony.

“In fact, I renounce literally everything I’ve ever done that might have contributed to my being cut off from the internet. It wasn’t worth it.”

Onlookers describe a pale, gaunt Assange who seemed on the verge of losing hope. Friends of the Australian fugitive have joined his pleas for issues of Razzle, claiming it may be his last hope of survival.

“Mr Assange has been a very naughty boy,” a consular spokesman said, “and as a result we have restricted his internet access until after the US election.

“But we’re not monsters,” the spokesman added. “We have arranged to provide Mr Assange with a man size box of Kleenex, and will send all his meals to his room and hang a Do Not Disturb sign on his door on the day that his internet access is restored.”

Elation in Trump camp as groping tape promises to distract from debate performance

trumpDonald Trump’s advisers are reportedly expressing relief ahead of Trump’s second debate with Hillary Clinton, following the timely emergence of a recording in which Trump boasts that his star power enables him to grab women “by the pussy” unchallenged.

There are even suspicions that Trump’s election strategists leaked the tape themselves in a bid to distract the world from the things that Trump is likely to say during the second presidential debate on Sunday night.

Insiders claim that there has been growing alarm at Trump’s preparatory notes, which are written in the candidate’s trademark gold crayon.

“He uses almost no full-stops and a LOT of epithets,” one unnamed adviser lamented. “And there are no, like, spaces between the words, and he doesn’t seem to understand how capital letters work.

“But most of the pages are just drawings,” the adviser added. “He specialises in fighter jets shooting giant women in the tits.”

While the first presidential debate was widely judged to have gone in Clinton’s favour, Trump was able to recover from this by urging his base to watch a nonexistent sex tape featuring an immigrant whom he had previously derided for being overweight.

Trump’s camp is confident that the groping tape – which also features a member of the Bush family because, it is believed, that’s just what Republicans are like – will be sufficiently distracting that only minimal attention will be paid to the many rambling asides and non-sequiturs that Trump is planning to make on Sunday.

BBC faces pressure to justify “Eggheads” moniker after leading Egghead transpires to be a moron

cjThe BBC has come under pressure to explain why it called one of its most popular daytime quiz shows “Eggheads” after it emerged that one of its leading Eggheads is an absolute moron.

CJ de Mooi, a mainstay of the show until his sacking earlier this year, was arrested on Thursday for the murder of an unidentified mugger in Amsterdam 30 years ago, following an inadvisable confession to the crime in his 2015 autobiography.

While de Mooi boasts a solid record of correctly answering general knowledge questions on the show, it is unclear how he was able to achieve this feat while at the same time failing to anticipate the consequences of publicly describing an occasion on which he murdered somebody.

Senior BBC executives will conduct an internal investigation to establish how a man so obviously lacking in brainpower was able to secure a job on the Eggheads team. The production team will also review its question-setting policies, to ensure that people of de Mooi’s mental limitations cannot slip through the net in future.

Meanwhile, all quiz results in which de Mooi participated will be declared void and competitors will receive prize money retroactively, in recognition of the fact that none of them would be so mindbogglingly stupid as to reveal the time and whereabouts of an unsolved murder committed by themselves, along with a detailed description of the victim.

Owen Smith to visit Beatles museum

smith

Former Labour Party leadership candidate Owen Smith has revealed plans to visit the Beatles Story museum in Liverpool later today, after finding himself at a loose end.

He will set out for the museum around mid-afternoon, by which time he is confident that his sobs will have subsided. There are suggestions that he may buy an Abbey Road coaster from the gift shop, with cost expected to be the deciding factor.

After visiting the museum, sources claim he is likely to take the Magical Mystery Tour, a lavishly decorated coach that visits a number of sites in south Liverpool connected with The Beatles, such as Penny Lane, Strawberry Fields, and a bus stop.

He has indicated that he will be happy to take photos of American tourists standing next to the Penny Lane sign, though it is unclear at this stage whether he understands that he will not be expected to appear in the pictures.

At around 5PM, while his rival Jeremy Corbyn is giving interviews and setting out his vision for the future of the Labour Party, Smith will eat a quick supper of fish and chips while leaning on a lamppost outside Lime Street station.

After that, Smith plans, if there’s time, to visit Mendips, the semi-detached Menlove Avenue home in which John Lennon grew up, though sources claim he is reluctant to travel by taxi to the attraction for fear of being recognised and asked intrusive questions.

His team tactfully indicated that they didn’t think this would be a problem.

Australian family “wins” right to stay in UK

victoryAn Australian family involved in a high profile legal battle to avoid deportation have “won” the right to remain in the Scottish Highlands, with wellwishers around the world hailing their “successful” appeal.

Their “victory” comes at the end of a protracted dispute with the UK government after the foreign office unexpectedly cancelled its post-study work visa programme – the initiative which encouraged the family to seek a “better” life in the UK in the first place.

Gregg and Kathryn Brain are reportedly thrilled that they will not face deportation to the balmy tropical paradise of Australia, and will instead have the “privilege” of remaining in the Scottish Highlands, a remote and culturally isolated region which “enjoys” the highest annual rainfall in the UK.

Despite their obvious joy at the “positive” outcome of their appeal, it remains unclear what lies behind the Brains’ determination to “live” in the Scottish Highlands, with many speculating that toxic debt, scandal, or arrest awaits them in their native Australia.

Following their “win”, the Brains are looking forward to discovering more of Scotland’s many “delicacies”, which include deep-fried “pizza”, sausage “meat” squares, and Buckfast.

Paul Hollywood to sue for physical custody of flashing squirrel

squirrelFollowing the news that Mary Berry will leave Bake Off after this season, co-host Paul Hollywood has insisted that he will fight for custody of the show’s notorious flashing squirrel mascot and its furry little penis

Hollywood, who has co-presented Bake Off with Mary Berry since the show’s inception in 2010 and will remain as judge after its controversial move to Channel 4, is said to be shocked and saddened by Berry’s professional integrity.

But he is determined to keep the show alive, sources say, and considers it imperative that he retains full access to the famous squirrel and its trademark genitals.

“At the end of the day,” said Hollywood, “Bake Off is bigger than Mel and Sue, and it’s bigger than Mary too. It might even be bigger than baking. But what it’s not bigger than is that squirrel’s cock and balls.”

Earlier this year there was an outcry after Bake Off bosses replaced the well-endowed squirrel with a pheasant – a misstep which many speculate led in part to the fatal rift between the BBC and production company Love West.

The genitals of a pheasant are located on its underside and obscured by feathers.

Pentagon hails cessation of cyberattacks as Russian hackers turn attention to unblocking Pornhub

hackerThe Pentagon is celebrating a complete cessation of Russian cyberattacks following the Russian government’s decision to block access to Pornhub and YouPorn.

It is thought that hackers in Moscow are now devoting their full attention to getting around the firewall, leaving the Pentagon’s servers relatively unmolested for the time being.

Internet users in Russia have reacted with scorn to the ban, while the Federal Service for Supervision of Communications, Information Technology and Mass Media has invoked further criticism by encouraging frustrated pornography fans to “meet someone in real life.”

An unnamed source argued, “Meeting someone in real life is literally the last thing I want to do while I am secretly masturbating.

“It would be extremely embarrassing,” he added.

World leaders have unanimously condemned the Russian government’s act of censorship, with the Chinese ambassador in Russia calling the move a “serious breach of human rights” and “a violation of man’s dignity.”

Meanwhile a party official in Pyongyang, North Korea, described the move as “inhumane,” before sending an 18-year-old man to a labour camp for asking a friend what Facebook is.

Pentagon officials will press the Russian government through all diplomatic channels to uphold the ban, hoping to condemn the country’s cyberwarriors to a permanent quest for porn.

UK asylum applications plummet on news that Bake Off will move to Channel 4

berryThe number of applications for asylum in the UK has fallen sharply following the news that Bake Off will relocate from the BBC to Channel 4 next year.

The shock move, which saw hosts Mel and Sue resign in protest, is thought to have made life in Britain unthinkable for refugees escaping conflict and severe economic hardship in North Africa and the Middle East.

In a development welcomed by the border force stationed in Dover, attempts to cross the channel by clinging for life to a lorry axle have all but ended, with those refugees who continue to make the journey claiming to prefer the Great British Menu anyway.

On the other side of the Channel the border force’s counterparts in Calais have reported a massive increase in the number of attempted crossings into France, the vast majority of them by middle class Britons unable to envision a future in their homeland.

Meanwhile the besieged residents of Aleppo in east Syria have issued a statement expressing their condolences to the British people, and commending Mel and Sue for their heroic sacrifice.

UKIP leader rues “brain fade moment” after forgetting to cite Hitler as political hero

pic_related_042015_sm_charlie-chaplin-the-great-dictatorUKIP’s newly appointed leader Diane James has drawn criticism after citing Vladimir Putin as one of her three political heroes instead of Adolf Hitler.

“I realised my mistake as soon as I said it,” James later revealed. “It was one of those brain fade moments, like when Natalie Bennett was on the radio and couldn’t explain how the Green Party was going to build free houses for unemployed European sex criminals.”

“I mean, don’t get me wrong,” she added. “Putin is a stand-up guy and I love what he’s done with the Crimean Peninsula. But UKIP is a party with the highest possible aspirations, which is why I’m simply mortified that I didn’t say Hitler.”

While forgetting to cite Hitler as a political hero is a serious breach of UKIP party protocol, James is likely to survive the scandal owing to her inexperience in the role and the lack any other viable candidates. Her closest rival, the racist cage fighter Steven Woolfe, was eliminated from the running after he failed to get his application in on time.

Diane James inherited the UKIP leadership from Nigel Farage, who announced his resignation in July after successfully campaigning for the UK to leave the EU. Farage will now co-present a daytime magazine show called Kaffee und Lebensraum with Katie Hopkins.