Scenes from 2017 #1

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Elation in Trump camp as groping tape promises to distract from debate performance

trumpDonald Trump’s advisers are reportedly expressing relief ahead of Trump’s second debate with Hillary Clinton, following the timely emergence of a recording in which Trump boasts that his star power enables him to grab women “by the pussy” unchallenged.

There are even suspicions that Trump’s election strategists leaked the tape themselves in a bid to distract the world from the things that Trump is likely to say during the second presidential debate on Sunday night.

Insiders claim that there has been growing alarm at Trump’s preparatory notes, which are written in the candidate’s trademark gold crayon.

“He uses almost no full-stops and a LOT of epithets,” one unnamed adviser lamented. “And there are no, like, spaces between the words, and he doesn’t seem to understand how capital letters work.

“But most of the pages are just drawings,” the adviser added. “He specialises in fighter jets shooting giant women in the tits.”

While the first presidential debate was widely judged to have gone in Clinton’s favour, Trump was able to recover from this by urging his base to watch a nonexistent sex tape featuring an immigrant whom he had previously derided for being overweight.

Trump’s camp is confident that the groping tape – which also features a member of the Bush family because, it is believed, that’s just what Republicans are like – will be sufficiently distracting that only minimal attention will be paid to the many rambling asides and non-sequiturs that Trump is planning to make on Sunday.

Nobody can shoot people in the heart and get away with it better than me, Trump boasts

trumpAddressing a packed rally last Friday in Pensacola, Florida, Donald Trump claimed to supporters that presidential rival Hillary Clinton would be able to “shoot someone in the heart” and escape prosecution.

“But I could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose any voters, so…” he continued, referring to a boast he made earlier this year. “I can kill people real good. Real good. And they couldn’t touch me, not if they tried. I bought every cop, every cop. They love me the cops in New York.

“Hillary, she… well I don’t think she’d have the guts quite frankly, I really don’t, I’m sorry. She hides – we all know – she hides behind crooked Bill and NO-bama. And I guess we know who pulls the trigger there, am I right?”

“Eh, it’s all great. This is great. I love cops. I love black cops,” he insisted to a rapt crowd. “But Hillary, I don’t know. The point is this: she could shoot you in the heart and nobody would touch her.

“She’s trigger happy,” Trump added, before revealing that he would instruct US destroyers in the Persian Gulf to obliterate small Iranian vessels for looking at them the wrong way.