The Pentagon is celebrating a complete cessation of Russian cyberattacks following the Russian government’s decision to block access to Pornhub and YouPorn.
It is thought that hackers in Moscow are now devoting their full attention to getting around the firewall, leaving the Pentagon’s servers relatively unmolested for the time being.
Internet users in Russia have reacted with scorn to the ban, while the Federal Service for Supervision of Communications, Information Technology and Mass Media has invoked further criticism by encouraging frustrated pornography fans to “meet someone in real life.”
An unnamed source argued, “Meeting someone in real life is literally the last thing I want to do while I am secretly masturbating.
“It would be extremely embarrassing,” he added.
World leaders have unanimously condemned the Russian government’s act of censorship, with the Chinese ambassador in Russia calling the move a “serious breach of human rights” and “a violation of man’s dignity.”
Meanwhile a party official in Pyongyang, North Korea, described the move as “inhumane,” before sending an 18-year-old man to a labour camp for asking a friend what Facebook is.
Pentagon officials will press the Russian government through all diplomatic channels to uphold the ban, hoping to condemn the country’s cyberwarriors to a permanent quest for porn.
Master Heywood 