Tag: gbbo

Hollywood, who has co-presented Bake Off with Mary Berry since the show’s inception in 2010 and will remain as judge after its controversial move to Channel 4, is said to be shocked and saddened by Berry’s professional integrity.

But he is determined to keep the show alive, sources say, and considers it imperative that he retains full access to the famous squirrel and its trademark genitals.

“At the end of the day,” said Hollywood, “Bake Off is bigger than Mel and Sue, and it’s bigger than Mary too. It might even be bigger than baking. But what it’s not bigger than is that squirrel’s cock and balls.”

Earlier this year there was an outcry after Bake Off bosses replaced the well-endowed squirrel with a pheasant – a misstep which many speculate led in part to the fatal rift between the BBC and production company Love West.

The genitals of a pheasant are located on its underside and obscured by feathers.

The shock move, which saw hosts Mel and Sue resign in protest, is thought to have made life in Britain unthinkable for refugees escaping conflict and severe economic hardship in North Africa and the Middle East.

In a development welcomed by the border force stationed in Dover, attempts to cross the channel by clinging for life to a lorry axle have all but ended, with those refugees who continue to make the journey claiming to prefer the Great British Menu anyway.

On the other side of the Channel the border force’s counterparts in Calais have reported a massive increase in the number of attempted crossings into France, the vast majority of them by middle class Britons unable to envision a future in their homeland.

Meanwhile the besieged residents of Aleppo in east Syria have issued a statement expressing their condolences to the British people, and commending Mel and Sue for their heroic sacrifice.