Paul Hollywood to sue for physical custody of flashing squirrel

squirrelFollowing the news that Mary Berry will leave Bake Off after this season, co-host Paul Hollywood has insisted that he will fight for custody of the show’s notorious flashing squirrel mascot and its furry little penis

Hollywood, who has co-presented Bake Off with Mary Berry since the show’s inception in 2010 and will remain as judge after its controversial move to Channel 4, is said to be shocked and saddened by Berry’s professional integrity.

But he is determined to keep the show alive, sources say, and considers it imperative that he retains full access to the famous squirrel and its trademark genitals.

“At the end of the day,” said Hollywood, “Bake Off is bigger than Mel and Sue, and it’s bigger than Mary too. It might even be bigger than baking. But what it’s not bigger than is that squirrel’s cock and balls.”

Earlier this year there was an outcry after Bake Off bosses replaced the well-endowed squirrel with a pheasant – a misstep which many speculate led in part to the fatal rift between the BBC and production company Love West.

The genitals of a pheasant are located on its underside and obscured by feathers.

UK asylum applications plummet on news that Bake Off will move to Channel 4

berryThe number of applications for asylum in the UK has fallen sharply following the news that Bake Off will relocate from the BBC to Channel 4 next year.

The shock move, which saw hosts Mel and Sue resign in protest, is thought to have made life in Britain unthinkable for refugees escaping conflict and severe economic hardship in North Africa and the Middle East.

In a development welcomed by the border force stationed in Dover, attempts to cross the channel by clinging for life to a lorry axle have all but ended, with those refugees who continue to make the journey claiming to prefer the Great British Menu anyway.

On the other side of the Channel the border force’s counterparts in Calais have reported a massive increase in the number of attempted crossings into France, the vast majority of them by middle class Britons unable to envision a future in their homeland.

Meanwhile the besieged residents of Aleppo in east Syria have issued a statement expressing their condolences to the British people, and commending Mel and Sue for their heroic sacrifice.

Kelly Brook to replace Mary Berry as Bake Off moves to Channel 4

berryMary Berry is to be axed from The Great British Bake Off after this season following the show’s surprise move to Channel 4.

It is thought that she will be replaced by model and actress Kelly Brook, while Will.I.Am will take the place of Paul Hollywood. In a widely welcomed move, Mel and Sue will be replaced with just Mel.

The show’s production company Love Productions announced this week that it had failed to extract a sufficiently exorbitant amount of money from the embattled BBC, and would be moving next year.

Bake Off is likely to relocate from its current Wednesday evening slot to Saturday prime time, while the low budget setting of a marquee in the grounds of a country estate will be dropped in favour of a studio with IMAX sound system, seating for five thousand, and a bulletproof solid chrome judging chamber.

Although baking will still form a proportion of the show’s content, the signature bake segment will be jettisoned in favour of a 15 minute infomercial for private health insurance.

The technical challenge, meanwhile, will be dropped to make way for a competitive powerballad medley, after which one contestant will be eliminated by public vote unless they agree to remove their clothes and eat a live tarantula.

The eighth season of Bake Off will air in August 2017.