International trade secretary Liam Fox, whose counterparts in the Leave campaign frequently accused Remain campaigners of “talking Britain down”, has been talking Britain down.
Addressing business leaders at a recent Conservative event in parliament, Fox has argued that they are all are too “fat and lazy” to succeed outside the EU, and would rather “play golf on a Friday afternoon” than rescue his political career.
The recently appointed minister is a staunch Eurosceptic who campaigned for Brexit, but now concedes that UK businesses are simply not capable of thriving in the hostile trading environment that he campaigned passionately to place them within.
“What the country needs is a vibrant, ambitious business sector that sees exporting not as an opportunity but as a duty,” insisted Fox, before clarifying, “to keep me in my job I mean.”
Following a lacklustre performance by Brexit minister David Davis in parliament on Monday, Fox’s remarks are likely to fuel concerns among Leave voters that Brexit will fail to materialise, condemning the UK to further decades of comfortable prosperity within the EU.
In a boost for Theresa May at the G20 summit in China, the Australian government has indicated that it hopes to invest in the UK after Brexit by turning the island into a penal colony for Australian criminals.
“We welcome the opportunity to do business with the UK,” said a spokesperson for the Australian government, “and the clearest opportunity in our view is in the custodial deportation industry, which played such an important part in our own rich history.”
Geographically isolated from the European mainland and beset by perpetual dispiriting drizzle, Great Britain has long been a favourite candidate for the incarceration of foreign rapists and prostitutes, but the historically strong pound has deterred investors.
However, in a move that is likely to enrage Brexit voters concerned about immigration, the inevitable catastrophic fall in the value of sterling after Article 50 is triggered is widely expected to be followed by an influx of foreign paedophiles and murderers as other sovereign governments seek to make the UK a penal colony.
A spokesperson for the government’s newly formed Brexit department was unavailable for comment.