The number of applications for asylum in the UK has fallen sharply following the news that Bake Off will relocate from the BBC to Channel 4 next year.
The shock move, which saw hosts Mel and Sue resign in protest, is thought to have made life in Britain unthinkable for refugees escaping conflict and severe economic hardship in North Africa and the Middle East.
In a development welcomed by the border force stationed in Dover, attempts to cross the channel by clinging for life to a lorry axle have all but ended, with those refugees who continue to make the journey claiming to prefer the Great British Menu anyway.
On the other side of the Channel the border force’s counterparts in Calais have reported a massive increase in the number of attempted crossings into France, the vast majority of them by middle class Britons unable to envision a future in their homeland.
Meanwhile the besieged residents of Aleppo in east Syria have issued a statement expressing their condolences to the British people, and commending Mel and Sue for their heroic sacrifice.