Tag: satire

Government silences critics of grammar schools with ambitious ‘quantum children’ plan

quantumThe government has fended off criticism of its proposed lifting of the ban on new grammar schools by unveiling ambitious plans to create quantum children.

Grammar schools have drawn criticism in the past for creating a two-tier education system in which children who fail to secure a place at the age of 11 are forced to remain working class thereafter.

But Prime Minister Theresa May has insisted that there will be no return to the ‘binary choice of the past’, claiming instead that a new generation of quantum children will be able to both attend and not attend grammar school simultaneously.

According to one Downing Street source, the government has already consulted theoretical physicists at leading UK universities about the possibility of exploiting little-understood quantum-mechanical phenomena to allow more than one child to occupy a school place at the same time.

“If the government is to achieve its stated goal of widening access for poorer children while simultaneously achieving its unstated goal of ensuring that well-off children enjoy unlimited advantages, it must turn to cutting edge quantum mechanics,” the source said.

“And if that doesn’t work, we can always just reinstate the old eleven-plus and say we tried.”

Mario on iPhone is a dream come true, insists Miyamoto in flat monotone

miyamotoSpeaking onstage at Apple’s hotly anticipated special event in California last night, Mario creator Shigeru Miyamoto has insisted in a flat monotone that the forthcoming Super Mario Run for iPhone is his favourite thing, adding, “Wow, great, thanks a bunch.”

A fixture at Nintendo since 1977, Miyamoto is almost solely responsible for elevating video games as an art form and galvanising the industry in the 1980s. He is behind some of the most revered franchises ever created, including Zelda, Donkey Kong, and Mario.

But Nintendo has faced growing difficulties since the arrival of Apple’s iPhone, when it emerged that consumers will play literally anything as long as it’s free.

Reading from an autocue and pausing occasionally to collect himself, Miyamoto grudgingly revealed that Super Mario Run will have many exciting features and will be fully playable in half-hearted 20 second bursts one-handed on the train while players listen out for their stops.

“I have always followed my dreams,” Miyamoto quietly intoned in summary. “My love and passion for this medium allowed me to bring Mario into the world, and seeing him now on the same platform as Flappy Bird, Google Hangouts, and that face-swapping app gives me feelings that are both profound and utterly indescribable.”

Super Mario Run will be available in 2017.

Australian government in talks to make post-Brexit UK a penal colony

2506BR1In a boost for Theresa May at the G20 summit in China, the Australian government has indicated that it hopes to invest in the UK after Brexit by turning the island into a penal colony for Australian criminals.

“We welcome the opportunity to do business with the UK,” said a spokesperson for the Australian government, “and the clearest opportunity in our view is in the custodial deportation industry, which played such an important part in our own rich history.”

Geographically isolated from the European mainland and beset by perpetual dispiriting drizzle, Great Britain has long been a favourite candidate for the incarceration of foreign rapists and prostitutes, but the historically strong pound has deterred investors.

However, in a move that is likely to enrage Brexit voters concerned about immigration, the inevitable catastrophic fall in the value of sterling after Article 50 is triggered is widely expected to be followed by an influx of foreign paedophiles and murderers as other sovereign governments seek to make the UK a penal colony.

A spokesperson for the government’s newly formed Brexit department was unavailable for comment.

Senior Conservatives angered as Labour MP Keith Vaz infringes ‘political sex scandal’ copyright

vazA number of senior Conservatives have condemned Labour MP Keith Vaz following the revelation that he engaged the services of two male sex workers at his north London flat, arguing that his conduct is in clear breach of Conservative intellectual property rights.

Mr Vaz, whose home affairs select committee has been carrying out an inquiry into prostitution, was caught in a sting by the Sunday Mirror. The same paper revealed that he had asked one of the men to bring poppers – a substance which his own committee has recommended be criminalised.

“This is a wretched transgression,” said one Downing Street source. “It has absolutely every embarrassing vice – hypocrisy, sexual infidelity, drug abuse, prostitution – upon which the Conservative party has built its extra-curricular reputation over the last hundred years or more.”

While no formal copyright arrangements exist for the term ‘political sex scandal’, the private behaviour associated with it has long been the preserve of tory MPs, with a gentleman’s agreement ensuring that politicians of other parties have largely confined themselves to expenses fraud, speeding, and alcoholism.

But in recent years an ailing Labour party has resorted to violating this unspoken agreement. Last year former Labour minister John Sewel angered Conservatives by snorting coke from a prostitute’s breasts while wearing a bra, and this latest breach by Keith Vaz has inflamed tensions further.

The Conservative party is seeking legal advice.